Nope's Peak r2 - Day 5 Allen and Sonia

[flamingprick]

[Okay by this time both of them have definitely seen him shirtless, so this talk shouldn't come as too much of a surprise. Not once he gets going at least.

But yes he's bringing them back to his room for some privacy, because it's a sensitive topic and he's probably going to cry and and he doesn't want anyone else to see that shit.]

Alright. The reason I brought you guys here is that Ruler dared me to tell you both a secret of mine. And it's something I know you both have probably seen so I should tell you anyway. Just...don't laugh, alright?

[He knows they wouldn't laugh at him, but he's so insecure at times and he says stuff like that automatically. Sharing personal stuff like this isn't easy for him, since it's a sensitive topic, but he's willing to try for their sake.]

Comments

[assent]

[ She's grateful he moves to hug him because she can't move at the moment. She can't really breathe well as she tries to hold back the tears. She's seen war in the sense that her country seems to put up a front yet has groups trying to attack anyway. She's seen victims of those attacks and how children have been taught to fight before they can properly have a childhood.

She's also more than aware that the underground of the castle is a barracks that's such a labyrinth people have gone in there and died of starvation. Death... is somehow natural. Someone she's come to care for this deeply and on a much more personal level though makes it a lot more excruciating.

Tears are falling before she can stop them, overwhelmed by what happened to him yet also the revelation of what that means to her as well. ]

[flamingprick]

[Hugs are good in this case, because Rin doesn't really get many hugs when he is upset. Shiemi hugs him sometimes- the time in that jail cell comes to mind- and Ichigo was a huge help during the last game. But he still often finds himself curling in and trying to stop the tears on his own.

He was actually doing fine at first, but with Allen hugging him and Sonia crying right there he can already feel his heart twist in a very painful, sad way.]

Why are you crying? It's alright, everything turned out fine-

[But his voice cracks at the end of that, and suddenly he's aware of just how wet his own face is. He's always been telling himself 'everything's fine' and 'everyone came back to life so it's okay', but those were lies he was telling himself to keep the hurt buried deep. He doesn't like thinking about painful moments, because he really is just as much of a crybaby as Yukio is and those moments show him just how alike they are.

But now that the tears have started he can't seem to make them stop, and all he can do is cling to Allen and hold onto Sonia's hand as if his life depends on it.]

[lefthandpath]

[who's the crybaby now?!

... no, it's still Allen Walker. who is also. crying a bunch as he clutches Rin tighter.]

J-just because it turned out fine... doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

[a vast understatement but actually admitting these things aren't fine himself...]

[assent]

[ Everyone in this room is a crybaby now, let's be real here.

Besides, she saw how he hesitated when he'd taken off his shirt, how jumpy he'd been about the scars to begin with. Even if they didn't physically hurt now, the memory was likely still there. Still vivid. ]

Nor does it mean you cannot cry or be sad about it, Rin.

[ And now she's breathing a little better she'll shift closer as well now. She can't bawl and her voice sounds fairly stable still, but the silent tears are very real. Her hold on his hand loosens until she can shuffle closer to them both. She presses her cheek against Rin's arm, then hugs them both as best as she can. ]

[flamingprick]

[Shit let's all be crybabies

But now he's being hugged by both of them, and even though his chest still aches and he can't stop his tears he somehow feels warm? And safe? And like he can actually be honest with his feelings and maybe try to process them instead of ignoring them.

That's going to lead to nearly a year's worth of feelings that need to be unpacked, though.]

I should have saved them. I was right there, I should have been able to do it! If I can't save the people I care about, then why was I saved in the first place?!

[lefthandpath]

[it really says something about how close he's allowed these two to get that the initial response is to smack Rin and yell--because he cares and he's even said those words himself, but he knows... he knows that's not it.

he curbs the kneejerk response, through, in favor of butting his head against Rin a bit, tears tapering off.]

That's not it. You weren't saved just to throw it all away later, idiot.

[assent]

[ Because life is cruel. Because no matter how hard you fight, it feels like it's all for nothing in the end. It's her initial response but she can't say that without making things worse. Her coping mechanism isn't healthy in the slightest, just let it happen and bottle it up and never break down. Never talk about it.

Conceal don't feel, don't let them know-- (ok elsa)

But it's hard to really process when she thinks about the innocent lives her country has probably ruined as well. She doesn't have the physical scars either of them have, nor does she have the emotional connection (you should be strong for your people, after all. They can't see you break down or cry.) to really consider what it's like to have friends to save in that way--not until very recently. 20 or so days of friendship isn't enough.

It's like she's having an existential crisis of her own over here, just carry on okay. ]

[flamingprick]

Then why was I saved?!

[That's a question he knows neither Allen nor Sonia can answer. Nobody can answer that question. The only man who actually knew 'why' is dead now, and he took that truth to the grave with him.

Rin is trying to make a meaning of his life. He's messed up a lot, he's had some wrong answers, and he's still very much lost. But he's still trying, and normally he tries to push through moments like this and come out oh the other end with a simple 'I'll figure it out eventually.' Unfortunately, he has two people he trusts completely here, which means he can open up and cry and let all of his anger and frustrations out.

He'll be glad later, since this is heavy shit he's been carrying by himself for a while now. But right now, he's just upset. And he's clinging to Allen and Sonia as if his life depends on it.]

[lefthandpath]

[the question has a lump forming in Allen's throat, threatening to choke him a bit.

he thinks he knows the answer.

he likes to think that is the case for him, too.

but then... for him, there's the confusion of if those words were meant for him. or for the Noah he has inside of him.

as it is, his hands move from around Rin's shoulders to the back of his head so he can actually knock his forehead against Rin's. lightly. in a way, trying to knock Rin out of his spiral without invalidating it.]

Because the person who saved you loved you. Becuase they wanted you to live, and live well. Because they didn't want you to hurt in that moment. There's... so many reasons, I think...

[even if he doesn't know the exact situation... they have so much in common already, he can only assume this is the case. and Rin doesn't have. those doubts Allen has. probably. hopefully.]

[flamingprick]

[It is absolutely true. Rin's father absolutely loved him and wanted him to grow up like a normal kid, which is why he did everything he did. Rin doesn't know all of this, though. He only has what he remembers and his own assumptions to go by. But he does know his father, and his father was nothing but kind. Maybe he really did love him and just wanted him to live.

But that just upsets Rin even more because his father is dead and he feels that pain bubbling up once more. So Rin is crying again, sobbing bitterly against Allen and Sonia while he tries to babble something out but no coherent words can be discerned.]

[lefthandpath]

[there is. maybe a moment. of panic.

that he made this worse.

so he looks over to Sonia, a little wide-eyed like "Help? I didn't mean to break it worse?!"]

[assent]

[ Her own eyes are out of focus, like she's trying to catch up to all of this to begin with. What is it like to not have any idea what you're supposed to live for? All her life she's had everything planned out for her, so it isn't like she can relate to any of this. She hasn't had choices or decisions. And if anyone came to save her (like from the insurgents before) it wasn't because she was loved--but because she was an object that was supposed to represent peace or power.

Someone who might be able to change things one day, for some.

Allen and Rin's lives are so far-fetched in comparison, but in a way because of that, she's also grown in a way while here. She blinks back the tears, shifts until she's on her knees and can reach for Rin's chin to make him look at her. ]

Rin. [ Her voice is strangely firm, despite the soft tone it carries. ] You have to remember as well, that no matter who we lose, they are always with us. Have you both not changed because of the people around you? Being here, both before and now... you have that chance for it to happen again.

[ She doesn't smile, but really she probably doesn't sound anywhere nearly as emotional as either of them. ]

[flamingprick]

[Even if it's not as emotional as him and Allen are being, it helps. She's right, those people are with him even though they're dead now. And there's people here now with him, even if he's not always that great at helping them. Somehow they stick by him.

He's not really alone, not if he looks closely enough.

The crying doesn't stop immediately, but it is winding down. Instead of choked sobs it's now sniffling and a wet face that might look a little gross right now. Still, he's holding onto both of them, because he doesn't want to let go of them yet.]

Sorry.

[What is he even apologizing for? For being a burden? For sharing such a sad secret and making them both cry? For crying all over them? Probably all of the above.]

[lefthandpath]

[w-well. Allen kind of. laughs? a little? because honestly, he's cried so much. it's a quiet laugh, fond and sad both. there's a bit of relief because he certainly... wouldn't have been able to get to what Sonia said.]

What do you even have to be sorry about?

Neither of us mind if you have a moment of weakness or sadness, Rin.

[assent]

[ This is fine. 100% fine. ]

Exactly. We care about you, so there is no reason for feeling bad about sharing your feelings. It must have been incredibly difficult. [ She reaches up to brush some of the tears away. ] Whenever you need to talk--[ She pauses. ]--both of you, do not hold back, okay?

[flamingprick]

[Rin's eyes flutter shut at Sonia wipes at his face. They're really too nice to him, he's realizing. How did he get so lucky to have two great people who care about him?]

I...alright.

[He sighs.]

Maybe 'thank you' is better to say.

[lefthandpath]

Mm, it's much better to say.

[assent]

I think we are in agreement.

[ Once Rin's face is a little drier, she'll turn to Allen next. What a bunch of crybabies for sure. Her own eyes are red, but she didn't bawl--more like quiet tears thanks to her holding back a lot more. ]

[flamingprick]

[She needs to cry at some point too.

But at this point Rin is just. Tired.]

Then thank you. For being here for me.

[And for listening when he had something difficult to share.

But he'll watch for a bit while Sonia dries Allen's tears too.]