Day 12: motive talk

[flamingprick]

[Okay no the fish aren't what's bothering him. What's bothering him is something else entirely.]

You saw the thing we got today, right?

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[Rin's breath hitches at that last bit- almost a sob, but not quite. He manages to get it under control before it becomes more than an intake of breath.

He doesn't want to die, but he doesn't want to kill anyone else either.]

That's- that's what I mean. Nobody here has experience with demon crap, and a shinigami is probably the closest thing to an exorcist here.

[Okay, now his shoulders are shaking a little, and his head is tilted down so that his face is partially obscured. He reaches up to place a hand on Ichigo's arm, holding onto him tightly.]

It's all sealed away, and I can only get to some of my powers through that seal. I was practicing with them, trying to learn how to control it, so maybe I can use all of my demon stuff without losing control. And I've been able to slowly get at more and more of it, but it's still too easy to lose control and become that.

There's ways to stop it without killing me, but you'd need a trained exorcist to do it, and I can't do it if I've lost myself. So you...I...

[He finally looks up at Ichigo, and tears are starting to spill down his face.]

Please! Please don't let me hurt anyone. If it happens, stop me before anything bad happens. I-I'm a fire demon, so water should-

[Okay talking is too hard now. Rin is absolutely terrified of this happening, and it's affecting his ability to speak. So instead he's just sobbing quietly as he holds onto Ichigo's arm for dear life.]

[suppressthedark]

[For the second time, someone begs Ichigo to take their life. Only this time, Ichigo understands - because of him being in that same position, trying to find that power inside of himself, trying to control it and sometimes failing -

He can't hug Rin with his injuries, but he can use his other arm to reach out as much as he can, and grab Rin's other shoulder.

He doesn't want to kill anyone, let alone Rin. But Rin is terrified of this happening, and for his friend...he's willing to do what he can in the face of the worst outcome.]

...Alright.

[He speaks quietly, almost a whisper - but it's loud enough for Rin to hear.]

I promise. I won't - I won't let you kill anyone, and I'll...

...I'll stop you, if you lose control.

[His expression turns conflicted, but -

He means it.

This is a wish he can fulfill, even if it meant losing his friend...or losing his life.]

[flamingprick]

[Realistically, Rin knows it's pointless to ask. Ichigo's hurt, there's no way he's going to be able to stop Rin if this happens. It would be a tough fight even with Ichigo at full strength.

But Rin tries not to think about that right now. Because he wants to believe that everything will work out in the end.]

Thank you.

[His voice cracks as he says that, and he's going to lean over to huge Ichigo. Well, more 'cling' actually, because he's crying for real now and he can't stop himself.

He doesn't want to lose himself, but he knows it's going to happen. And he's scared of it. That fear that had mostly left him after the fight in Kyoto is back, and it's staring him in the face.

People are going to die, and it's going to be his fault.

Maybe he really is a monster after all.]

[suppressthedark]

[As Rin cries, Ichigo just gently lifts his arms and hugs Rin back, eye closed. He doesn't mind the tears, because it's just how Rin is feeling - this outpouring of fear and emotion that's overwhelming him, because -

- The thought of killing someone when you're not in control of yourself really is terrifying.

He should know.]

..It's alright. It's alright, Rin.

[It's all he can say as Rin cries, a hand making what he hopes are comforting circles on the half-demon's back.

But if he knew exactly how Rin was feeling, he'd deny it. If Rin was a monster, then so was Ichigo.]

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[Mind if he stays there for a bit? Because he's definitely staying there for a bit. At least until he gets the crying under control.

It does help that Ichigo is there, though. It feels better than crying alone, at least.]

I'm sorry.

[That comes after a good minute or two, when he's finally able to talk again.]

You shouldn't have to- It's not fair, you know?

[suppressthedark]

[He doesn't mind at all, letting Rin wind down enough until he can talk.

But he shakes his head firmly when Rin speaks, his gaze set as he pulls away slightly to look at him straight in the face.]

No, I - I want to. Because...I know what it's like to lose control of yourself.

[He's silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts.]

...I told you about hollows before, right? I have one. And for the longest time, I wasn't able to control him all the way. He'd get in my way, making me freeze up in battle...

...But the worst part was when I fought Ulquiorra, and got a hole blasted through my chest. I remember falling, my vision blurring, and Inoue yelling for me.

...And when I woke up, I found my sword buried in Ishida's stomach, and Ulquiorra standing up with thin limbs he was regenerating.

[He closes his eye, remembering the moment.]

...I...seeing my sword buried in my friend's body, I - it's the worst feeling in the world. That you could hurt the people you care about, that it's your fault that they're bleeding, I -

[He takes in a breath, shaking his head again.]

I...I don't want you to go through that. So that's why...I'll stop you, If it ever comes to that.

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[Rin listens to it all, taking it all in. It's...something. And Rin feels bad that it's reassuring to know that someone else knows what it's like to go through that. At least he's not alone in the 'losing control of yourself' thing.

Still, he does feel bad that Ichigo had to go through that. Rin would rather be alone than have his friends suffer.

But at the end of it, he nods.]

Yeah, I...I know what it's like, I wouldn't be afraid of it if it hadn't happened before.

[That's a story for another day though. He wouldn't be able to make it through that right now.]

I wish you didn't know what it was like, but not being alone in the 'well this is a shitty thing that can happen' club is nice, I guess.

...

Is it a risk for you too? That that'll happen to you here, I mean.

[suppressthedark]

[Ichigo just shakes his head at the question.]

No - I learned to control and accept him as a part of me, after I got the whole story from my dad. He'd been with me since I was born - him and the other part of Zangetsu. Even if he came out here, he probably wouldn't hurt anyone like that again.

[At least he goddamn hopes so.]

...If we get out of here, I want to help you learn how to control it. Your demon side, I mean - it might be easier if you've got someone with you who's gone through the same thing, right?

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[YEAH, ABOUT THAT...]

It would be nice, I guess. I mean, I've been figuring stuff out on my own so far, since there's a seal on most of my powers right now and that protects me from the worst of it. But there's not really anyone else to teach this stuff to me, you know? Yukio's as much in the dark about all of this as I am, and Izumo- she's a friend from home- her case is way different from what's up with me. Having someone to learn stuff from, that would speed it all up.

[But the way he talks about it, it's like...well, he DOES want it to happen, and he hopes it can. But at the same time, he knows realistically that it won't.]

[suppressthedark]

[Realistically, yes - they've got a low chance of getting out of there alive, with only three more killing nights to go and the raccoons ramping up their threats to make them kill each other, but...

If they talk about the future, then they have hope.]

Right - I was kind of thrown in the deep end. I had to learn to control my hollow, or get devoured by him as he took control, so I'm not so sure the methods that worked for me will work for you, but... When you lose control over your demon side, do you not have any memory of what you did during it?

[Because with the way Rin was talking before, well..]