THE BOOK

[flamingprick]

[So somebody went looking around in Dazai's room to see if he left a note or something, and he found a book instead! Which he is going to promptly take with him as he goes off to find Akira and Ichigo. Because this feels like something important he should share with them.

And also he can't fucking read this shit either. Someone's going to have to read it out loud to him.

And hopefully he doesn't come across a certain shounen idiot who isn't supposed to be climbing four flights of stairs right now, because that would be a problem. HMMMM.]

Comments

For all his rush, he's not very good at being concise...

[cw_suicide]

As I write this, you're no doubt alarmed and panicked by the message that was just posted. But none of you should feel any blame for this. It's simply how I am. I would apologize for it, but in reality, I'm not that sorry--or, rather, I'm sorry I didn't do enough to dissuade all of you from insisting on staying so close in spite of knowing the kind of person I am. Explaining these things is difficult for me--I never seem to manage it correctly.

So, in the end, it's my failing after all.

It's fine if you hate me for it. I'll accept that.

I was going to do separate letters but then I realized that, for the most part, you guys would just end up telling each other the whole thing in private. Especially Ichigo-kun and Akira-kun. Because you're sappy and cute like that--by the way, congrats! Of course the reason you were both so grossly injured was because one tried to save the other from something stupid. How romantic!

That aside, I know this all must come across as very sudden for you, but unfortunately, the case is simply that it's not sudden at all. From the very first day, I knew I was going to die in this place. Whether it would be by my own hand or someone else's--I was hoping for the former the whole while. It's a very frightening thing to think about how one will die and discovering that there's the possibility that it will be a very terribly painful, lonely thing by someone else's design.

That's just a fact I've known with hideous clarity for all of my life.

It's funny, though, because I was accurately told from the first day that the chances of me succeeding at that were impossible if it was purposeful. So, that's how I knew, essentially, that it was going to end poorly.

And it's not as though I didn't make attempts. By ignoring the fact that my body was detoxing and saying nothing until others noticed. Purposefully getting myself intoxicated with people mostly at random (for the record, a number of people have been more generous with their alcohol than you have). I can't argue that they weren't attempts at sabotaging myself--inviting a chance for an "accident" to occur. Of course, this probably fits under the "purposeful" clause and that's why nothing did happen.

And yet "accidents" still befell people around me.

It's really unfair how life goes sometimes.

But enough of that. I want you to be focusing on what lies ahead. Not on perceived mistakes of the past. If the messages we see from Niles-san's account are truly from him, then I'll hardly be completely gone. And I'll try my best to circumvent the rules in place to prevent helping you guys too much. One post a day will be tricky, but that still gives you guys a chance.

I'll leave this book with you. Do what you will with it. Not that I have any idea what you would do with it, but I will warn you: it isn't a pleasant read. Certainly, it's quite a tragedy, now that it's ended.

[suppressthedark]

[The first thing Akira and Rin will see is Ichigo going paler than they've both ever seen him before, his hand shaking so hard that the paper rattles.

Yet despite that, he manages to read it out loud, his voice shaking - and by the end of it, it's clear he's crying again, choking out the words like they're caught in his throat.

When he finishes, he jut lowers his head, entire body shaking with grief.

He's failed two people, now.

How many more before all of this ends will he eventually let slip through his grasp?]

1/2

[purrtagonist]

[jesus christ]

[none of this is surprising, really. it's everything Akira had picked up on between the lines. it's exactly what Akira expected Dazai to do after their conversation, and he even told Ichigo as such. but still. . . hearing that he had planned it all along, hearing confirmation of Akira's concerns from Dazai's own mouth? that takes the wind right out of him]

[he drops his hand on Ichigo's knee the entire time he reads, and when the letter is finished, Akira's shoulders are hunched so tightly that it hurts the wound still carved in his back. it hurts, but he doesn't care]

Damn it. . .! Dazai, you stupid--

[he jerks back, just long enough to bring his fist down against the arm of the wheelchair, knuckles white]

[purrtagonist]

[. . . and then he reaches out, slides am arm around Ichigo's shoulder, and just. leans against him. for a long, quiet minute]

[flamingprick]

[Unlike the other two, Rin isn't accepting this. No, he's shaking his head in disbelief, too stunned to cry yet.]

No...no, he couldn't have written that! We talked! He promised me he wouldn't do it!

[suppressthedark]

[Sorry, Ichigo is way too lost in his own grief to even hear that, just leaning back on Akira while tears trail down his face.

Akira'll have to realize what Rin said, because for now? Ichigo can't.]

[purrtagonist]

[it's okay, Akira's got this. his grip on Ichigo is as tight as he can make it with their combined injuries, and he isn't about to let go]

[he will tilt his head towards Rin though, voice tight, expression as neutral as he can make it. his eyes, however, flicker with a certain spark of anger and upset, for as calm as he's trying to be]

Did you talk to Dazai after Graham posted that message to Recyclr? It sounds like he wrote this message afterwards, like. . . whatever he had planned wasn't solidified until Graham made him the easiest target in the school.

[flamingprick]

Yeah, when I saw Will's message I went looking for Dazai. After I found him we talked for a while. At first it did sound like he was gonna kill himself, but...

[He has to stop there for a second, so he can remember the exact words Dazai said.]

He...he said he did some bad shit in the past. And I could tell that he regretted it. But he was trying to make up for it! The whole suicidal thing was because he felt bad about the past, but he was trying to be a better person. And I told him I'd help him, if that's what he needed.

He wasn't going to kill himself. He was trying to change!

[suppressthedark]

[Ichigo is beginning to wind down, having cried a lot earlier and yesterday. He's still vaguely cognizant of what Rin's saying - but he just stares down at the note in his hand, wiping his eye with the other and wincing as saline flows into his facial wounds and makes them sting.]

He could've...lied.

[His tone is quiet, but empty - horribly so.]

[purrtagonist]

[somehow, Akira manages to keep his own emotions in check. perhaps because he was braced for Dazai dying. perhaps it was because he had been able to prepare for it mentally]

. . . this could've been his way of trying to be a better person. Of trying to change.

Do you know what he told me before Graham's message hit the network? Do you know. . . what he said, that made me think he was going to die last night?

He said that some people believed that those who wanted to die should be the ones to die here, so that those who wanted to live could continue to live.

And that he believed they were right.

[and so. . . Dazai made an agreement with someone. that person would kill him, and that would take care of the murder of the night, while simultaneously protecting those who wanted to live. those like. . . Rin, Ichigo, and even Akira himself]

[flamingprick]

He...he told me the same thing too. That someone had to die, so it might as well be someone who wanted to die. That he was a monster, that it was wrong of me to worry about him because I'd only be disappointed in him.

['Monster'. There's that word that's been haunting Rin for a while now.]

I couldn't just leave him hanging like that, not after he told me something so personal. So I told him that I would watch out for his wellbeing instead, if he couldn't do it himself. Because I want to die as 'me', and that's something I would do until I couldn't do it anymore.

[He...hasn't told Akira about the threat the raccoons made against him, but oh well.]

It made him pretty mad, but he accepted that in the end.

There's no way Dazai would have killed himself, not after we had talked. Because he knew I was looking out for him then, and I would've stopped any attempt.

[WELL...he would have tried to, but the raccoons probably could have interfered.]

[suppressthedark]

[Ichigo has reached the point of emotional numbness, and it shows - his eye flicks back from Akira to Rin as they speak, but he doesn't say anything.

He's tired. He's so, so tired, and he just lets out a sigh before flipping back to the first page of the book, scanning over the lines.

He doesn't want to think about this anymore - he just wants to read the last thing Dazai left them - he wants to try and understand Dazai's heart itself, instead of arguing over how he died.]

[purrtagonist]

He didn't kill himself, Rin.

[he's keeping his voice soft, but firm. exhaustion weighs heavily on his shoulders, even as he tries to keep himself upright and strong. when Ichigo moves, so does he, although he continues to lean against his shoulder. just to let him know that he's still there]

He made a pact with someone and had them do it for him.

[. . . the pieces are clicking together]

And then that person took their own life afterwards.

[flamingprick]

Well maybe he made that pact BEFORE we talked!

[Not that it changes the outcome any, but.]

And- and maybe he didn't get a chance to tell the person not to do it! Even if he meant to die at first, that doesn't mean he meant to die later!

[suppressthedark]

[He flinches at Akira's theory - the thought of that is enough to shake him, however temporarily, out of his numb state - but just reads silently, pouring over the book.

What does he find in it?]

[purrtagonist]

Rin.

[his eyes slip shut, hand clenching into a fist at Ichigo's side]

Rin, I know it hurts, and I know it sucks, and I know it's stupid-- and I know Dazai is stupid, because even now I bet he wouldn't be able to understand why the hell we're all so upset with him.

But we need to consider that a possibility.

[flamingprick]

Well if he doesn't understand, then I'll just punch him until he does when I eventually get over there!

[He's. Not going to admit Akira has a point, because he's mad and emotional and really bad about admitting he's wrong when he's mad and emotional.]

[purrtagonist]

When you get over there? Don't say that like you plan on dying, too!

[oh no now Akira's getting mad. it isn't Rin's fault, honestly. he's tired and frustrated and upset and it's getting awfully hard to keep himself in check]

[flamingprick]

[WHOOPS the yelling is going to make Rin yell more, because even if Akira doesn't mean it Rin tends to take stuff personally.]

Not on purpose, no! I'm gonna fight it as long as I can! But even I can't-

[...no, he probably shouldn't talk about that right now. He's upset enough as it is, he doesn't need to think about the threat the raccoons issued to him.]

I know this might be hard for you to believe, but I'm not stupid. We still got three more 'killing nights' to survive, and they've already told us what's gonna happen if nobody kills.

[suppressthedark]

SHUT UP!

[Ichigo's yell nearly rattles the walls, as he clutches Dazai's book to his chest.

He's read it all. He's come to understand, in that small, horrible way, Dazai's heart - even if the way he learned is also small and insignificant, what with this book not being entirely about him -

- even trying to minimize his importance, even after death.

He knows. He knows now, and he feels like Akira is right - so he instantly stands, slipping out of Akira's arm and standing before either of them can stop him, moving out of the infirmary at a rate that doesn't seem possible from a severely injured man.

They have to know. Everyone has to know, and then...

...And then he can sleep.]

[purrtagonist]

[that's enough to get Akira to shut up. he jerks back, surprised, ignoring the way the movement pulls at his wounds]

Ichi--

[and then he's shooting a worried look towards Rin, before he scrambles to his own feet and hobbles after him]

Ichigo, wait!

[flamingprick]

[And there go those two idiots.

Rin really wants to just let them go and do his own thing for a while, but he knows he'll end up regretting it later if either of them fall down and get hurt. So he'll follow behind them, just to make sure they get to wherever they're going without hurting themselves.]

[cw_suicide]

[the story begins in the dark of night, a very suspicious doctor visiting his very ill and very mad patient who calls for blood and murder in the streets of the city... and the fourteen year old child with dead eyes and no expression watched his mentor become the boss of the Port Mafia a slitting of a throat.

the story really doesn't get better from there, but it does thankfully switch out of the child's perspective into various others throughout his life in the mafia.

one such perspective is of a fourteen year old who runs into the recently-promoted to Executive "Tsushima" (top panel), surrounded by the bodies of the killers of his friends he had been chasing. he ends up falling to his knees and crying out in utter relief of having a reason to live thanks to the mafioso's offer to take him on. "Tsushima" is sixteen years old and makes the kid's life a living hell in order to "survive in the mafia".

it goes on from the perspective from who appears to be a friend of "Tsushima"'s who--very unfortunately--turns out to be the friend who died in the end. spoilers: it was really sad. "Tsushima" is eighteen years old.

but then, the POV switches back, briefly, to "Tsushima"'s... it is a few months later, and he's speaking with a Government official about getting a job outside of the mafia. he rejects the offer to go to a government job--"My personality isn't suited to too many rules and regulations."

once again, the POV switches back--it's that straight-laced personality that Dazai mimicked back when he read a scene from the book to Akira and Ichigo. he doesn't like his new partner. he's a drunkard, gets high on random mushrooms, and is a general nuisance and louse who couldn't even pass the entrance exam and instead allowed one person to murder another. to be fair, there was a murder-grudge involved, and a lot of other good things he did. "Tsushima" is twenty years old...

when the perspective changes again, the story is from a young boy who was treated horricially by his orphanage and was lied to about his special ability of being a weretiger... he was ready to starve and-or kill himself... but a man was floating down a river...

"Tsushima" is twenty-two years old and the narrator would like everyone to know that they know "Tsushima"
is a good person...]